Sex Relationships is possibly disturbed....

1.    When couples have sex only once a month or less

2.    When Couples lose touch of each other due to busy life

3.    When Couples cannot express their sexual feelings to each other

4.    When Couples cannot handle differences in sexual desire

5.  When touching, hugging, kissing is replaced by arguments, criticism and demands

Either or both partners feel that love does not exists anymore, whereas the real reason is that both are not trained to handle their own sexuality and sexual differences.

More than seventy per cent of these couples can help themselves by understanding their partner’s true feelings and by learning the solutions to balance their family life with sexual life.

Once the initial mutually enjoyable love making period of few weeks to months is over, sexual frequency reduces.

Frequency now depends on individual’s natural sexual desire or sexual needs of partners.

There are two types of individuals, one with low sexual desire and one with normal or high sexual desires. Sometimes the person actually is normal but the spouse finds them too demanding sexually if their own desires are on the lower side of the spectrum

Usually Sex takes place only when partner with low desire wishes.

The partner with higher desire slowly starts demanding sex or pressurizing the lower desired partner for having sex.

Initially, Lower-desire partner gives up and has sex even when they don’t want it; only to be left alone after sex.

They may also have sex to keep partner’s good mood or to avoid arguments.

Sex after demand gives sexual relief to High desire partner and they feel emotionally wanted by the partner.

But, when they realise or sense that their partner had sex unwillingly or passively, without enjoying it, frustration sets in.

Out of desperate wish to maintain loving relationship, high desire partner makes every effort to make their partner ‘enjoy’ sex or have ‘orgasm’ so that both will want and enjoy sex equally.

However, these attempts put further pressure and ruins sexual drive of low desire partner.

Many high desire persons refuse to accept ‘No’ to sex and demand sex through pleading, yelling, unwanted touch, and start fights.

Some even try playing divorce or affair card.

Repeated demands and pressurising kills natural sexual desire and is replaced by resentment, anger, and frustration in low desire partner.

Low desire partner begins avoiding physical touch, caressing, kissing, and even hugging or cuddling because it may lead to sex.

Higher desire partner feels sex as boring.

Couples stop sharing any activity in each other’s daily life and try to remain busy their way.

Shortly later, even in bed; they are separated.

But, resentments, anger, frustration and dissatisfaction continue to get reflected in day to day life.

Most Couples feel they are too busy or too exhausted to have sex. They just cannot find the ‘right time’ for sex.

Their daily as well as weekend schedule is so packed with work, housekeeping, kids, parents, in-laws, and shopping that they have ‘no time’ left for sex.

When the sex loses priority, sexual drive reduces, which affects sexual intimacy. 

Couples don’t even realize that their sex life has diminished.

Most Couples think and some even express that once the family established, ‘sex’ has no place. Even the most loving Couples live together like roommates.

In reality, most Couples are not aware of need and benefits of sex in married life. They are also not taught that, in married life that sex does not just happen; you have to make it happen. 

It’s difficult for higher desire partner to understand why they are not having more sex specially when it becomes more infrequent.

It can be emotionally devastating to feel that you are not wanted by your partner with whom you love and crave to share physical love.

Being sexually rejected translates into emotional fears and false assumptions about why you have a sexless relationship.

Often and sadly higher desire partners blame themselves, fear they are no longer attractive and wonder what is wrong with their relationships.

OR

They blame their partners for being ‘gay’, having affair, or have psychological or sexual problems.

These feelings and assumptions resulting from low sexual frequency are emotional torture. They are in reality not true. Often partners loving each other and attracted towards each other still have different sexual desires.

For no reason fears and assumptions lead to option four i.e. sexual coercion to reverse the control. In such cases, sexual power struggle becomes destructive.

Assuming the partner’s response or taking the spouse for granted is the starting point of most family disturbances.

One must accept that every person has their own set of expectations and values.

In married life, we face the differences in these values and expectations because we do not discuss them before marriage. Or we overlook them because of the ‘extremely in love’ factor.

Therefore, Pre-Marriage guidance is essential for every person to have clarity on what they really want in life and from life-partner. Then, the disappointments do not arise and compromises become a wilful acceptance.

In married life, within limits, every person has an identity and freedom to accept or reject what they want and don’t want.

Involving your spouse in day-to-day family or financial decisions also communicates respect and togetherness.

When busy life takes over the sex life, both husband as well wife find themselves deprived of their sex life although they still love each other truthfully

Both feel betrayed and struggling for different reasons in sexless marriage although they know they love each other.

The worst part is, both are clueless about what is happening and how to address the issue.

Most men are great lovers but are ignorant about the skills required to please their wife. (The persons who have this skill use it to influence girls even before marriage)

They try their best to keep their wife happy, family life peaceful and children’s life loving and playful.

But when it comes to love making, they find women are very difficult to please.

These men need guidance in making their love life pleasurable.

However, an understanding wife can handle these situations easily without making him aware of his inabilities, knowing well that such man will never think of extra-marital relationship.

In women it is not the issue of their desire for sex. Most are just not aware that they need to have one.

Most of these women are raised in a protective environment where there is little opportunity to explore their sexuality or even talk about it.

In an attempt to save ‘sexual life’ for their husband after marriage, many don’t develop their sexuality through self pleasuring.

Sexuality of women is most affected, if they have gone through trauma of sexual assault, rape or ill treatment by men, as also those who have experienced strained relationship of parents.

Hence, they are not even aware about sexuality and sexual desire. They also are not aware that, it is an inseparable part of their marital relationship.

In married life they begin their sexual life as a consequence of emotional attraction and naturally gifted infatuation for the purpose of procreation.

Most of them are never taught that in marriage, sex has to be for mutual satisfaction, some do not even have particular liking for sex or even hate it. For them sex is mainly for having a child.

Similarly, women opting for late marriages are eager to have their child first.

In both cases, after having a child they become too busy to have sex and get trapped into ‘sexless marriage’.

Most of these issues can be solved if one of the partner has taken pre-marital guidance and is able to help his spouse.

It is therefore important that married couple must spend some time together regularly to resolve the sex related issues through mutual understanding.

Conflicts arising out of adjustment problems, clashing of priorities and expectations are different from those arising from sexual misunderstandings and would not arise if individual has clarity before marriage.

The pleasurable experience of  arousal and orgasm can be cultivated and enjoyed as and when they desire. Those who have missed it can cultivate it even after marriage and without the help of husband.

Those women aware of their sexuality and sexual pleasures also need to know about their husband’s sexuality to make it mutually pleasurable.

When one partner having higher desire wants or demands sex several times a week and the other partner does not want it surrenders to demands through coercion but loses sexual desire further which converts into resentment and anger towards the partner thereby destroying relationships.

Coercion types include:

1.        I’ll divorce you

2.        I’ll pout or brood

3.        I won’t give you any money.

4.        I’ll walk around angry until we have sex

5.        I’ll have an affair

6.        I’ll break it off with you and take our children away

7.        I’ll tell everyone you’re frigid

8.        I’ll fight with you about sex and remind you of all your faults.

In short, I’ll fight with you about everything but sex, but it will actually be about sex.

Sexual Pestering is when higher desire partner repeatedly makes demands for sex and will not take no for an answer. These demands may include pleading, yelling, unwanted touching, pawing or groping, starting fights, making threats or not leaving partner alone even after repeated requests.

Sexual Pestering may not be ‘verbal’, but may be communicated through brooding, being in bad mood, being emotionally or physically distant for no reason, filling the air with tension.  The lower desire person knows that their partner wants sex.

In many cases pressure is from beliefs and guilt which is never talked about with partner.

Sexual badgering or coercion is often causes of sexual shame because higher desire person often feels embarrassed or bad for engaging in this behaviour. The lower desire person also feels sexual shame for participating in sexual struggle. They often feel inadequate and feel even victimized in extreme cases.

Women under sexual pressure respond in one or more of the following ways\

1.   Going to bed before or after him. Expressing tiredness (A single yawn from wife is enough to lose the erection)

2.   Getting too tired to get sleep without efforts (skipping nap at noon)

3.  Keeping herself occupied with kitchen, children or office work till husband sleeps

4.   Being on the internet till late night

5.  Long Chats or telephonic conversations with family and friends to irritate spouse

6.   Ensuring her bed-time dress has nothing sexual

7.   Not changing dress in front of him

8.   Having sex, without participation (responding like a log)

9.   Remaining as unattractive as possible

10.  Having an affair or having own fantasy while having sex with husband

11.  Passing remarks on his performance or expressing sarcasm

Most aggrieved women have this behaviour without realizing its consequences on her own life.

Those who have experienced sex before marriage believe they have made mistake of choosing a wrong partner and without wasting any time start thinking of divorce.

Those in their first experience live in confused state, surrender, or take advises from available sources from friends and relatives and design their fate of their marriage.

Those individuals who have taken pre-marriage guidance know these situations and are not only able to prevent it but will know how to get the best out of their partner for mutual satisfaction and happiness.

Women pressured for sex lose interest in making love outside bedroom even without their knowledge. When no compromise or resolution seems possible, individual starts revolting.

This includes actions which communicate refusal or avoidance of sex.

In most cases women face this situation because,

1.  They do not understand behaviour of men and their sexuality in contrast to their own sexual behaviour and sexuality.

2.   They do not learn the assertive approach.

3.   They do not learn to get aroused.

4.   They do not learn to participate in love making when her husband is ‘hot’.

5.  They fail to understand purpose and benefits of sexual life in long-term successful marital relationship.

6.   They also fail to know that men develop intimacy after sexual pleasure and in contrast women need intimacy before achieving sexual pleasure.

Aggrieved woman’s lack of sexual desire is actually their defence against forced sexual relation. it is an approach they feel necessary to ‘teach him a lesson’.

But, to their disadvantage, lack of sexual desire becomes their habit which is harmful for normal marital happiness.

Wise woman can handle this situation in almost 70 to 80 per cent of situations and retain sexual pleasure of her husband as well as herself.

Key to long-term successful marriage is to understand how to do this on day-to-day basis.

Aggressive response to sexual pressure may be from the person who is either sufferer or not actually enjoying the sexual act. Sometimes such behaviour may be unintentional without knowing where it would lead them to.

The seriousness increases when conflicts between the couple become a day-to-day affair.

The resistance may sometimes even be for some personal bargains or revenge over some particular behaviour or insult. Sometimes resistance is to deny spouse's control on you or to gain control over him or her.

In most of these cases the person resisting suffers, because in marriage, there is no place for revenge or gaining control over other person.

Sexual control is only an illusion that leads only to frustrations.

The situation becomes worse when the opposite person not only stops pressurising but also gives up or refuses sex altogether.

This leads to sexless marriage and both suffer throughout their life.

Hence, either one or both should get trained in solving these issues by learning more about sexuality and sexual pleasure.