Listening is a skill which is learned by experience or efforts. Sales people use this skill very efficiently to understand what exactly we are looking for and we generally fall prey for it.
Listening allows a person talking to say what they wish to say.
It is normal human tendency to respond to the open questions allows person to give opinion, advice, express fear and doubts at the same time to express what their wishes are.
“No one listens to me” or “no one understands me” are commonest complaints which find outlet when a question is asked and time is given to listen.
Listening is not so much difficult but allowing the person to talk without interruption is not our natural skill. We are tempted to do the same thing what the talker intends to do. i.e. giving opinion, advice, expressing fear and doubts as well as our wishes
These interruptions upset the talker because you have snatched their opportunity to talk and they become almost deaf to what you are talking, or wish to say.
On the other hand once the talker is exhausted of talking, they take moral responsibility to listen to what you want to say. Listener usually wins the deal.
Now, while you are patiently listening, your observation and thinking power can focus on what the talker really wants and plan the talk accordingly.
People generally trust patient listener.
In couples “No one listens to me” or “no one understands me” complaint gets resolved only by listening. Unconditional listening works magic. The talker does not even expect an answer in most cases.
Patient listening also reveals the truth in the complaint, which in most cases is hidden behind the aggressive expressions and anger of the irritated person. Thus, just listening to your spouse itself will ensure pre-empt of more than fifty per cent of marital problems.
Most marital issues are ‘perception’ or ‘I thought so’ based. That is, what one ‘thinks’ about the issue. Hence, try to understand the true meaning of what is said, rather than reacting instantly.
Correcting the ‘perception’, communicates ‘lack of understanding’ and trying to ‘dominate or interrupt means rejection of a person although you intended rejection of what they said.
It is not what you ‘heard’ counts; it is how you understood the person counts.
Irritability while listening or not being able to listen to a person happens when we lose the ‘love’ part in our relationship. On the other hand, listening affectionately with love at heart retains the love part of marriage as you move on.
For long discussions, Couples should keep as much points and objections ready. Without this, there is usually straying away which defeats the purpose on discussion.
If you are hurt give your loved one a chance. Endless forgiveness is part of loving togetherness. In most cases empathy and forgiveness is compensated by better understanding by the partner.
All that a honest listener is doing is ‘accepting the person as they are, which leads to intimacy. And, intimacy is soul of long-term loving relationship in married life.